DISCLAIMER: I have my own blog, but i am finding that i don't have much of a life beyond this band, so typing two entries would just be repeating myself :END DISCLAIMER
My stomach is full again, to a point beyond what i would call comfortable. I've gained weight since we've been home. It's not something i'm ok with at all. Somewhere along the lines, in all of this hustle and bustle, i allowed those who shared the same name to give me self esteem and weight issues. I never used to understand what it was to feel the drag of an honest reflection. I now understand how. You see, i now worry people won't like my band as much if they have to look at a barely overweight Ben Liebsch. I worry my weight, which isn't at all obvious, will negatively affect my band. This causes me to over eat cos i'm stressed or drink because i need to cope, which causes me to feel worse about myself, which causes me to rinse and repeat. I know it's silly, on most days i can conciously identify that i'm not thinking clearly, but it's as if there are two different people talking in my head. One is smarter and more collected. I know this side is correct. There is, however, this other side that has developed in the last year. This side is barely able to hold itself together, frustrated, bottled up, stressed, anxious, depressed. This side has caused me to miss practice, to go months without writing, and most sad of all to withdraw from the people i hold closest to me. I spend alot of time that my mind is somewhat like a rope holding too much weight on either end. The slow fraying has started i just hope there is never a snap. I'm working hard to keep it together, i know letting go is not an option. I don't have health insurance so i can't get help, so for now i'm coping.
In better news, in more relevant news, things on the band front are great. Rico, our newest member is working our great. You may have heard some of his work in the song clip at the end of the video we posted. We're writing more and more everyday. Mike is great as well, becoming quite the drinker. doing us proud. We got the masters back for our soon to be re-released EP featuring two brand new songs, hooray!! If you've seen us on tour,you've heard us play them. We finally got to record them. We have a very special performance announcement coming up soon. We're going to be headed back out on tour in March as well, perhaps to Texas. I can't really think of anything else right now. It's going to be a busy year.
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6 comments:
i don't think you should worry too much about your fans not liking the band bc of your weight. i mean, if they only care about your looks then they obviously aren't listening to your music for the right reasons.
love the new songs btw!
Ben, i love the way you think. I've been reading your blogs and..there's something soo special about you. I can't explain what it is but it has to do with how your think. Maybe your problem is oyu may just think too much. That is good once in a while but maybe your hurting yourself with the "If's" in life. I really want to meet you, you are an amazing person
-Mike
Sorry for the typo's I'm in a pitch black room with a hyperactive dog and too much lemonade.
Ben, I know I'm a bit late getting to this blog, and maybe you feel a bit more on top of your feelings as of lately, but I really identify with your body image issues. Its interesting how it just permeates all aspects of our lives and its like when it comes down to it, you can almost connect everything to food. I've had my own body image and emotional eating problems since I was date raped five years ago. I've worked through a lot of it, but the eating issues always resurface. We all go through our ups and downs, but I just wanted you to know that you are def not alone. And its not just anorexic little girls with body dysmorphia, there are so many men out there thinking the same thing as you. Besides, don't worry about the band image. You're an awesome singer, I'm a vocalist, I would know. The EP is awesome by the way. Keep it up.
Hey! ummm... I just kinda stumbled on your band (ADORE the lyrics... yall rock) and then this blog, but i have to say i really feel what youre saying about the whole "two ends of a rope" thing. Its actually probably the most accurate way to describe how this year has been for me. oh and i just read the girl above me, and she is much better with words than me, but just letting you know I'm in the same boat and.. well.. im not sure where i was going with this really. so sorry. but thanks for putting it out there and sharing your words with me!
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